Sir John and the Knights of the Long Table

Eleven of us live here at beautiful Schamelot, and we have a small 20 acre farm of chickens, emus, two dogs, 13 or so cats and a cockateil named Sassafrass.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

A friend sent this to me today. It's supposed to be funny, but I think it's a great idea!

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_________________________

DATE OF BIRTH__________

HEIGHT___ WEIGHT_______

IQ__________ GPA___________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________DRIVERS LICENSE #___________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________________

HOME ADDRESS_________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain:______________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ___________________

If less than your age, explain__________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __Nopierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATIONAND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend _______________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answersare confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
_____________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:
____________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
_______________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TOTHE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESEWATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________
Father's Signature
________________________________
Mother's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Priest's Signature (if you don't know a priest, or you only know priests from the dioceses or archdioceses of Boston, Milwaukee, Rochester, or Los Angeles, tear up this application now. If your priest is from the SSPX, FSSP or Institute of Christ the King the application process may be expedited.)

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and virtuous. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will benotified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. (coming soon)
by dir. Sir Major John

1 comment:

Ruth said...

This is hysterical!!!!! I might have to steal this from you : )